I got the “Costco Connection” in the mail on Monday, November 2nd. It had to have been mailed late in the last week of October and there on the front cover was A SANTA HAT. AUGH!!!! Can’t we at least get the candy eaten before we get assaulted with shopshopshopshopshop? There is a short list of things about Christmas that get on my nerves and it irks me to no end that the first one to land does so months in advance.

There’s another list that comes roaring up to me in just a few weeks. A scary and terrible one. A grit-your-teeth-and-try not to scream one. A list that can make you sit down and ponder to yourself, “homicide or suicide?” I offer for your review the Christmas Songs That Will Not Die Even Though Everyone Hates Them (feel free to add your own as you see fit) in no particular order. (It was hard to not put “Feliz Navidad” on the list but that one’s at least sorta fun. I bet it’s on someone else’s list.)

– “I Want a Hippopotamus For Christmas” which is actually a “Hippopotamuth” for “Chrithmuth” thanks to the lisp that is NOT cute in any way.

– “Jingle Bell Rock” was awful when it was released, is awful today, and will continue to be awful until the end of time. I also do not “rock around the Christmas tree”. Ever.

– “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer” was funny the first time I heard it. And the second time, since I’d missed a couple words the first time. Now as we pass the one millionth time it has come on the radio it should be put out to pasture with such only-funny-once tunes as “The Streak”, all those trucker songs during the CB radio craze where all they did was talk and everything Weird Al Yankovic ever did. (There’s actually a song entitled, “Don’t Make Me Play That Grandma Song Again” about a DJ who just can’t take it any more.)

– “Christmas Don’t Be Late”. Don’t recognize it? It’s the one sung by Alvin and the Chipmunks. A special kind of painful.

– “All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth” with another lisping child. Please stop.

– “Santa Baby” is just wrong on so many levels. I don’t want to think of all the fellas you’ve kissed. Ick.

– “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” had its day. That day has passed. It actually passed a long time ago.

– “Wonderful Christmastime” must have been written when Paul McCartney wasn’t looking and somebody slapped his name on the label. He kept his mouth shut because it made some money. I bet I’m right.

– So that I don’t get slaughtered over this, I am NOT referring to this song as it appears in the best Christmas special ever made. In that context, I love it. That said, “Rudolph the Rednose Reindeer” is really pretty awful.

– Ditto for “Frosty the Snowman”.

– “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” as performed by Bruce Springsteen. I can just see children running to their parents crying because “it sounds like the man is hurting himself”.

– “The Twelve Days of Christmas” would be awesome if somebody threw it over a cliff and it landed squarely on top of “99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall”. Best 2-for-1 deal of the season.

– Last and decidedly least is “Jingle Bells”. No, no, not the cheery version that always has the bells in the background and is truly just a simple classic. I’m talking about the one with the barking dogs. I wish I’d been in that meeting when somebody stood up and said, “Hey guys, I’ve got a GREAT idea” so I could smack him in the temple and tell him to sit down and be quiet.

So there you have it, my moment of pure grumpy to start the season. Now that I’ve gotten that out of my system I can get on with all the fun stuff!