The official definition of “elevator”, according to Webster’s:
“A platform or compartment housed in a shaft for raising and lowering people or things to different floors or levels.”
The REAL definition of elevator, according to the Blogmeister:
“A non-air-conditioned metal box containing people in various states of cleanliness leading to a wide variety of odors standing on a floor surface that has not been cleaned since the Reagan administration leading to another wide variety of odors.”
You’ve all been there; you hear a “Hold the door please!” and a sweaty person who just finished working out slides in. Or a nice little old lady with a wet dog. Or someone who’s had a great deal to drink and several slices of pepperoni pizza.
Well guess what; you’re soon to be in a different kind of elevator. No sides, no doors, but an entire army of humans. On risers. Sweating. Yeah, that’s right, us in a concert. Susie already asks everyone to take a break from strong perfumes and colognes (ahhhhhh-CHOO!!!) but there’s really more to it. ANY extra smells beyond the simplest deodorant (and clean bodies are also wonderful) may have an unintended affect on your dear friend singing beside you. According to the CDC, there’s somewhere around a 50/50 chance that you (or they) are allergic to something that would result in some sort of respiratory discomfort…and you never know what that might be. The dear Mrs. Blogmeister appears to be able to smell lavender on Kauai from the Blogmeister mansion here in Kailau and the Blogmeister really, really didn’t like the “orange oil” that was used to bless the guests at a Moroccan restaurant (ahhhhhh-CHOO!!! again). It stands to reason that no matter what you slather on you, there’s somebody somewhere who’s allergic to it. And of course Murphy’s Law* says that person will be standing next to you on the risers.
There are other sneaky little things that can change how popular you might be in close quarters under hot lights. As the old saying goes, “You are what you eat.” Soooo…what shouldn’t we eat in the 24 hours before a concert? Don’t sweat it (see…I made a funny…) here’s a list of things that are sure to change your…um…”presence”. Some are obvious, some not so much. Bon appetit.
The brassica group that hides little hunks of sulfur inside: broccoli, cabbage and cauliflower. This also includes brussels sprouts but the Blogmeister doesn’t consider them edible. Yuck.
The allium group, also containing sulfur: onions and (my favorite) garlic. A funny experiment that I read about and tried and it worked: rub some crushed garlic on the bottom of your foot. In 15 minutes or so you’ll taste it in our mouth. Cross my heart and hope to have to sing tenor…you will.
The acetic acid yumminess that comes from your liver metabolizing alcohol. If you tie one on you’ll not only taste it in your mouth, it’ll be oozing out of your skin. Of course, you’ll also have a headache and will wake up feeling like you have old sweat socks in your mouth, but that’s a whole different part of the fun.
Believe it or not, asparagus is fine. It has some OTHER interesting affects that are quite icky and we’re not going to talk about but it won’t make you smell bad. Wrap it in bacon, you’ll like it.
Curry and cumin are particularly long-lasting. Like you didn’t already know that.
Surprisingly, a steady diet of red meat can have an effect. That doesn’t mean you should skip that steak the night before a concert (the one with the compound basil butter on it…yum) but it doesn’t take that many meals in a row of beef to have it be noticeable.
A steady diet of tomatoes can do the same thing. No, not one nice caprese salad (with the steak, don’t ya’ know) but lots and lots will be noticed. Not by you, but by those near you.
Good ol’ blue cheese can make itself known in some folks. That particular resultant smell is NOT one the Blogmeister thinks is nice.
Green leafy things can help counter a lot of this in a clean-smelling sort of way and salads are never a bad thing. Adding fresh parsley to the salad makes it even more effective. Not kale, that is in the broccoli department and makes for stinkiness. Pineapple is a good body-cleanser thing too.
Interesting to note: everybody is a little different in this chemical/bacterial arena. Different things affect different folks’ “aura” and I bet you already know what does what to (or inside) you.
Notice that I have not delved into the more odoriferous realm of the result of high fiber, eggs, beans and the like. You know what I mean.
*Some fun and painfully true variants on Murphy: Murphy’s Laws